And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Randomize
