There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Randomize
