so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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