you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
