In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
from now on my penis is your penis
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
