the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Randomize
