I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Panties = found
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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