My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
