you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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