I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
