every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
