Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
Randomize
