Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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