R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Randomize
