You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
