Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
