I murdered the dance floor call the cops
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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