Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
