Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
i think i have herpe
just one?
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
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