Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Randomize
