Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
