You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
