is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
