she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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