He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Randomize
