My friends, they love my intelligence
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Randomize
