TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Randomize
