i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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