I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
My penis needs a shock collar
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Randomize
