They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
