Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
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