If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
