Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
