I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
