did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
