My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
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