you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
