Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
