end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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