Hey man sorry I got all grabby
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Randomize
