from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
