got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Randomize
