I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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