One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
