even my farts smell like vagina
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Randomize
