she woke up with a sticky ear
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Pants are for mortals
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
