you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Randomize
