She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
