Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
