I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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