my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
